The common thread amongst both of these is the consumption of alcohol in the days prior. I believe they call this the "beer shits." If I drink within reason this usually isn't an issue, but on vacation that certainly wasn't the case. Couple that with a "vacation diet" and you have the recipe for disaster.
From the first time I ran my beloved vacation loop I was searching for bathroom spots, just in case. You have to entertain yourself on a run somehow. I knew my body gets thrown off by travel and isn't quite as reliable to not cause issues during a run. Usually I'm pretty good about keeping that at bay on a run, but from time to time nature will call. Chalk this up as the second "in the wild" relief I've taken on a run.
Anyways, after scouting the route on my first couple runs I have a pretty good idea where I can go and where I can't. There are ample stretches where I can dart off into the woods, but then there are also stretches where I have no cover and cannot go.
Let's set the scene. It's August 21st, 2014 at 9:31am and the sun is already out shining. Looks to be another brilliant day in northwestern Pennsylvania. I'm running along and at about mile two start to feel the rumblies after a night of drinking and poor food choices. I have the chance to turn back toward safer pastures but decided to move forward, knowing I won't have cover for nearly a whole mile.
I run up the gentle uphill, large homes with open lawns on either side of me. There is absolutely no cover. For the first half of the hill I'm thinking I can make it to the creek about another mile onward, poop next to a tree, wash my little handsies in the creek, it will be awesome. Better than the cabin toilet maybe! Well, that pipedream is out the window about a half mile in. I need relief ASAP. Ahead, a large cornfield looms. I don't have an option.
Once I'm to the cornfield I frantically dart into the stalks of corn. They are planted in neat rows and I go about three rows in for cover. I completely remove my running shorts and then squat and, well, I'll spare you the details. Not a proud moment. Finding something to wipe with wasn't easy either. Turns out the leaves on corn stalks are tough to rip off and aren't ideal for cleanup. I was able to make it work though.
By the time I left to continue my run the crime scene had turned into an amusement park for the local fly population. I hoped they would clean up my mess before it was discovered by any other human. Once thing that freaked me out about the corn was how it was all the same height (GMO for the win). I can just imagine this one little pocket of corn sprouting about a foot higher though, the puzzled farmers scratching their beards as they ponder how this one little pocket somehow got more fertilizer or water or something.
BAHAHA! I'd forgotten you promised this story. The cornfield actually sounds much nicer than the porta potty I was forced to use at mile 21 or so of the Cleveland marathon. It was 86 degrees, humid as hell, and I was in the back of the pack, so it had seen MANY sweaty asses. Words can't describe the smell of that thing, and it felt like a sauna. I think I had an out-of-body experience then ;) Anyway, loved the story!
ReplyDeleteLol. I googled "poop in cornfield" because I just did the same thing tonight and didn't want to feel alone. I had the luxury of the cover of night, though.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame. Only relief.
DeleteExtremely insightful and interesting. You taught me a good deal. Just how long do you sauna? saunajournal.com
ReplyDelete