A NUMBER TWO FIRST

The red dot is the scene of the crime.

Alright kids, gather 'round. It's story time. And what do kids like more than poop stories? Nothing, that's what. If ye be squeamish, ye might want to skip this blog post.

So, a couple of factors went into making this special day happen for me. One, an outstanding burrito cart outside my office building. Fuego be thy name and delicious be thy game. They have this habanero sauce that is so spicy and so delicious. Anyways, whenever I eat lunch from this cart I have them load that sauce all over the burrito. My lunch then becomes a disgusting ten minute gorge-fest in my office where I am sweating profusely and using multiple paper towels just to keep the sweat at bay. So delicious and so disgusting. My poor co-workers.

Second, our internet at the office went out. We were released for the day shortly after lunch to go work from home since there was no point in hanging around an office with no connectivity since everything we do tends to rely on the internet. So I went home and "worked" which involved me laying on the recliner with my work laptop and slowly falling asleep. I finally rose from the dead just in time for run group. I chugged a Coca-Cola on my way there, trying to perk myself up.

Now, I never drink regular Coke. I never have soda at my house, and if I did, it would be diet. However, I scored a can somehow and it had been sitting in there for a week or so. I was super groggy on my way to run group and thought it might be a good pick me up of energy as I was about to run seven miles. The shot of caffeine and sugar probably wasn't the best for my tummy, which was still a little iffy and growly from the burrito bomb earlier.

I arrive at run group with a stomach that is not so sure about itself. Now, I was under the impression if I had any troubles, it would be tummy troubles, you know, the upper half of me. Anyways, we start off on the run, I'm feeling decent despite my stomach, and we're going along around 8:30/mile. Around mile 2.5 or so my situation takes a turn for the worse. Is my stomach cramping? Is this going to turn into something urgent?

After the turnaround at 3.5 miles there is a slight downhill. The up and down jostling during this period was NOT good. Anyways, it went from "my stomach is kind of iffy, I might have to slow down" to "HOLY SHIT I HAVE TO SHIT" in about two seconds. I announce to my fellow runners I have a burrito disagreeing with me and I'm going to have to walk. They all assume my stomach is just cramping and go on their merry way.

My bowels just over 3.5 miles in.

At first I just try to walk to off. Stay strong Thomas. You've staved off shits before. Nope, nope, not happening. I can't believe this. I have to go shit in the woods. Luckily, I was in a part of the Fanno Creek Trail with decent size wooded area around me. As soon as I make the decision to poop the situation becomes desperate. I have to go like now. I am sprinting into the woods, trying to find a decent place to go. I see a log where I can sit and hang my tooshie over the side so I don't crap all over myself. Perfect.

I'll spare you the details, but it was intense and it wasn't solid. Luckily it all went on the ground and nowhere else. About fifteen seconds into the ordeal I realize anybody walking on the path has a direct view of me. Although I am in the woods, I am not hidden at all. There's really nothing I can do. I just pray nobody else comes down the trail. Luckily the trail remains vacant as I finish up and waddle deeper into the woods to find some nice, soft leaves.

Alright, let's wrap things up. I find some leaves, pray they aren't going to give me a rash, and clean up. I take the walk of shame past my creation back to the trail. Bears shit in the woods and so does Thomas. I get back to the trail, take a deep breath, and start running again. SO MUCH BETTER. The rest of the run went great and I no longer had tummy trouble. I couldn't believe what just happened though. Luckily, when I got back, nobody asked me if I was okay or what happened. So they are none the wiser. Shhhhh.

That's my poop story and a first for me! I'm so lucky I was near the woods and able to go. Many parts of the trail are open park with nowhere to hide. What if it had been the winter route where we just run through the neighborhoods? This was bad, but it could have been a lot worse!